bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
