So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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