I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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