I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She's the barista slut.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
