i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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