Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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