I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
