i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I need moral support for this bender
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
