If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Let's get the cat blown out
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
