You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
