I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
