Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
