hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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