dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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