In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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