My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize