If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How's work?
Spinning.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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