I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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