Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
