My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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