I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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