Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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