He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
