I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
