We named our party play list daddy issues
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
