i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
