how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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