I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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