im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
