She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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