Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
