when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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