he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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