I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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