I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
