I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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