I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
