oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
