you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
