my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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