college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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