Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
