you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My penis needs a shock collar
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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