it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
