I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize