what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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