Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
