the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
