it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
