We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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