All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize