Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
