i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
