The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
