she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
