Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
