I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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