Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
