i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
