My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
