Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
