The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
