I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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