Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
