fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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